The Golden Girls S01 E10 The Heart Attack

S01 E10

Original Airdate November 23^rd, 1985

Before every episode I search for a screenshot from the episode. Today I forgot to add Golden Girls to my search and got this gem under “The Heart Attack” as the first image along with symptoms of a heart attack. I feel this is appropriate. 

A few things about tonight. I actually have a drink for this one because deadlines suck and it is crunch time. Tonight’s blog almost didn’t happen, but I got my second wind with the hep of gin. I am hoping the gin will see me through to write about the goddamn drag show finally, but looking at the time, the outlook is bleak. Because I suck and this blog is full of lies. Anyway, onward.

It is windy in Miami tonight. The girls are sending house guests out into a storm. They have a serving table set up in the living room with coffee cups, half a cake, silver serving trays. What kind of party was this and how do I attend? And Sophia made it all.

Blanche makes a really specific weight estimation for one of their guests. 275lbs because she does not stop shoving it in. And apparently this Emma Jane talked with food in her mouth and it hit Blanche like pellets. LIKE PELLETS, I SAY.

Blanche talks about how she went to Italian a few years back and never ate so well. Or at all. Because who had the time or energy. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Aw, what the hell *drink for Blanche’s Italian beaus.*

Blanche: Italian men are just the sexiest, most romantic, most gorgeous men in the world. And of course they just worshiped me because I’m blonde and feminine and young with a great body.
Dorothy: What mirror do you use?

First off, just wait until Chris Hemsworth hits the scene, Blanche. Second, hot damn, her vanity knows now bounds.

We learn that Sophia has been cooking for days by herself. She refused to let Rose help because she’s Scandinavian and only knows how to make herring dishes. I looked up Scandinavian dishes and now want to try semla and kroppkakor, neither of which include herring. 

Kroppkakor

Semla

Though, Rose makes herring pie and is famous for it. Lindström Surprise.

Rose: You think it’s pie like apple, but when you bite into it, it’s herring!

I bet she had killer pranks in her sorority. Because that is cold-blooded. Pie is great and if you’re going to trick me with the contents, you will die.

We also learn that Rose’s cat was named Lindström. Lindström Lindström. It was less confusing for him according to Rose. 

Sophia goes back into the living room to clean up and the other three follow to make sure she relaxes after all the cooking. Sophia sits on the couch looking unwell. She says it’s because she ate too much.

Sophia: I got a bubble.
Dorothy: Why are you rubbing your chest?
Sophia: The bubble is in my chest.

This is one of the episodes that really drives home the fact these ladies are not 20 somethings. Sophia is in her 80’s. In previous episodes there’s been mentions of her stroke and high blood pressure. Now we’re in an episode called The Heart Attack. Pretty sure you did not see this shit on Friends. Though Sweet Dee did have a heart attack on It’s Always Sunny and she was in her 30s.

Sophia insists she has a bubble. Rose says she knows what a bubble is. It just sits there until it is let loose by a belch. Which Rose has trouble saying. I bet she used puppets when she gave her kids “The Talk.” She didn’t, but more on that in later episodes…it has to do with a bull.

Dorothy decides to call Dr. Harris. Sophia’s bubble intensifies to pain. Dorothy assures her it’s not a heart attack though Sophia believes she is having one. They run through the family history to see if there is heart disease in the family.

Sophia: Didn’t Aunt Teresa have a heart attack?
Dorothy: Aunt Teresa didn’t have a heart.
Sophia: Uncle Nunicio?
Dorothy: Uncle Nunicio died to get away from Aunt Teresa.

Rose: There shouldn’t be heart attacks or cancer. There should be a certain age where you have to turn your life in like a library book.

SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!! 

That happens to people who opt for assisted suicide, Rose. They become soylent green. Way to push the agenda of Soylent Industries.

I love how cavalier Rose and Blanche are about death. They’re widows. Sophia is making peace with things.

Sophia: Dorothy, you were always my favorite. Maybe I didn’t show it, I’m not an affectionate person, but you are. Don’t tell your sister and keep the silver.

But feel free to tell your brother. He knows he’s not the favorite. I realize she thinks she’s dying, but aren’t you supposed to take who your favorite child is to the grave? I’m pretty sure my mom’s favorite is my sister. And when she reads this she’s going to text me and say “well, I never!” And I might get an emoji with its tongue out from my sister. But my mom will take it to her grave though and never admit who her favorite is. That’s just good parenting.

Blanche makes a very poignant point about people in Minnesota live long lives because it’s cold and the cold preserves them. Well, not anymore thanks to global warming. (by the way, maybe get active about those Amazon fires if you haven’t already)

Lots of death talk this episode and honestly. It’s not making for very exciting recap.

Blanche: You want to be buried or cremated?
Rose: Neither.
Blanche: What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?
Rose: I wouldn’t want to be cremated. I hate heat. (WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE IN MIAMI THEN?!) And burial? I hate small spaces. I’m a little claustrophobic.

There’s also this option Army Blew Up Mom's Body Or Soylent Green is still an option.

Rose wants to be buried like a Pharaoh.

Rose: This is a very depressing conversation.

It sure is. This gin is not helping as much as I had hoped. For the record. Send me to the body farm. Or just throw me in the woods so some kids can have a coming of age adventure like in Stand by Me.

Sophia closes her eyes for a second and Dorothy freaks out. I’d like to point out Sophia was still awake and chose not to answer when addressed. Making her a douche. Of course it’s followed up with a tearful “I love you, Dorothy.” She is convinced she’s going to die. Heart attacks often include flu like symptoms, which, as a denizen of a nursing home and a stroke survivor, I’d think Sophia, or at least Dorothy, would know the other symptoms to look for for a heart attack.

Rose tells the story of Charlie’s heart attack. We learn once again about Rose’s deadly vagina. I’m confused by the laughter as Rose tells the story of Charlie having a heart attack while boning her and how she had to dress him for the paramedics. It is not funny. Like. At all. It is sad as hell. Rose looks so proud at dressing Charlie after he died and I can feel the tears in my eyes!

Blanche says it’s going to be a while before the paramedics can get there. There’s lots of trees down because of the storm and lots of accidents. You know, the storm they sent their party guests out into. 

Rose suggests they pray because what else can they do. Oh my God, this episode. Dear Gin, see me through this.

Sophia wakes up from her nap and says she died and went to heaven. Sophia asks Dorothy to get her rosary. 

Blanche asks if there’s lots of men in heaven. Priorities. Get them.  Rose breaks down the heaven for Catholics and Protestants. And a Jewish heaven full of stereotypes. Her and her Jewish stereotypes. Every time she has one, I ask my Jewish husband to confirm or deny her insanity. He is now ignoring me in a different room.

Dorothy: If she dies I’ll be an orphan. Can you believe it? I’m over 50 years old and I’ll still feel like an orphan.

Oh God! I am so depressed this episode. Has this episode always been this depressing?! Or is it just the gin.

We cut back to Rose telling Sophia boring stories about her farm. Dorothy returns with her rosary and the doorbell rings.

Dr. Harris! He’s here. Somehow. He does doctor things. Because all doctors in Miami in the 1980s did house calls. Dr. Harris is Jewish. Quick! Rose, ask him about Jewish heaven! I DARE YOU!

He quizzes her on what she ate. Sophia packs it away. She eats like The Rock does on his cheat day. 

It’s a gallbladder attack. Sophia is ok. And as soon as she finds out it’s not, she’s fine. Funny that. Sophia backtracks on Dorothy being her favorite. Tender moments can’t last long around here. This episode ends on a downer. I simply cannot. I am done. Good-night and good luck.

Drinks Counter:
Blanche’s Beaus: 1
Times I Mention Gin: 5