The Golden Girls S01 E09 Blanche and the Younger Man

S01 E09

Original Air Date November 16^th, 1985

I did not realize how heavily I relied on this blog for my own sanity. After the never-ending swamp of bullshit that is my day job and the continuing never-ending avalanche of ghostwriting work I take on as my side hustle, I was absolutely buried last weekend. When everything was said and done I didn’t want to write up about my girls in Miami. I wanted to watch, just not write. And I’ve felt crappy about it all week. But I’m back!

And yes, I will write that damned review of the drag show soon! It deserves its own blog not a tag on to an episode entry.

Without further ado and no more gilding the lily, let’s get this party started.

Sophia is hiding all the food from Rose’s mother who is on a special diet. She has an uncovered bowl of what looks like popcorn and a meat and cheese tray. I hope Sophia has a mini-fridge in her room. She tells Dorothy she’s hiding everything because people on special diets will eat all the food once your back is turned.

Sophia: Anything on your plate is suddenly on their diet.

These people she knows on special diets must have a death wish.

We find out Rose’s mother is the same age as Sophia, but Rose ordered her a wheelchair at the airport, got an oxygen tank, and a special meal on the plane. Dorothy says Sophia has to be nice to her. There’s a noise at the door Dorothy assumes is Rose with her mother, but don’t worry it’s not. Why move the plot along when we can introduce a new plot. Blanche flirting with an 80s hunk at the door in workout clothes. He's hot, but in an 80s way. So not really hot.

Dorothy’s face says it all. But also *drink for Blanche’s beaus* This hunk asks Blanche out on a date. Adorable. We don’t get to hear any details about this man who is “a few years younger” than Blanche because Rose comes home. She says “that’s a girl,” to her mom and I half expect her “mom” to be a golden retriever. She’s not. She’s just a pale faced Minnesotan in a heavy coat. In Miami.

Rose yells and Dorothy speaks loudly in return thinking someone is hard of hearing. Rose’s mom, Mrs. Lindström speaks loudly. Then asks Rose who is hard of hearing. Rose tells her it’s so she doesn’t have to strain her ears to understand.

Ok, first off, who the hell introduces their 80-year-old mother to their 50+ year-old friends as Mrs. Lindström? Why doesn’t she just give her mother’s first name? Rose is kind of a douche for treating her mother this way. But hey-o! That’s the plot of this episode. The main plot really, despite the episode name being “Blanche and the Younger Man.”

And everyone refers to her as Mrs. Lindström! Whhhhhhy? 

Until we get her name I refuse to call her Mrs. Lindström. I’ll be calling her Linny from here on out. Blanche, a good hostess, offers to give Linny a tour of the house, but Rose, in overprotective, douchebag fashion cuts her off by explaining she doesn’t want Linny to get over tired.

Dorothy: She can skip the east wing, Rose.

Rose ushers Linny to her room to take a nap while Rose fixes her a snack. Linny is justifiably upset at being treated like a child. Most children would be upset at this treatment too honestly.

Linny: I don’t need a nap.
Rose: There’s nothing wrong with taking a nap. Bob Hope takes naps.
Sophia: Unless he’s in the bedroom now, I think she’d rather stay here with us.

Ages rights activist, Sophia. Dorothy says Linny seems nice and Sophia points out she’d be nicer if Rose wasn’t up her ass. Blanche, in true Blanche fashion, declares she’s going on the date with Dirk.

Dorothy: Was there ever any doubt?

Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record, but Dirk’s nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what Blanche? Dog years?

Your crows’ feet aren’t fooling anyone, Blanche. But kudos to her. Her vanity knows no bounds. Blanche says there’s something special and rare between her and Dirk. She’s only felt it once before.

Blanche tells a really pointless story about a man she met at seventeen at the drugstore she worked at. And if she had followed her heart that day she would be Mrs. Andy Griffith. 

I’m not giving a drink for her beaus this time. Because she didn’t do anything with the sheriff of Mayberry. When she leaves the room Dorothy points out they’ve heard that story before, only different drugstore, different celebrity. John Cameron Swayze this time. 

I had to look this one up. He was a journalist. According to Wikipedia he a sixth cousin, once removed from Patrick Swayze. That's some Hobbit level ancestry right there.

Next scene Blanche is in spandex doing a workout video while Dorothy lounges on the couch like a champ. Blanche is busting her buns to be young and trim for Dirk. She jogs for the door and I’m on the couch sucking down a Diet Coke and contemplating popcorn for breakfast.

Rose: Hi Blanche, you look terrific! *slams door as Blanche runs out* Blanche looks terrible.

Rose has come home early to check on her mother. Dorothy informs her Sophia and Linny have gone to the track. Rose loses her shit. It’s almost dark and she is out of the house! OH MY GOD THE SCANDAL. For the record, it's broad daylight outside the kitchen window, not even a hint the sun is setting. 

In the middle of Rose’s freak out Sophia and Linny come home. Sophia is $50 in the hole (Dorothy’s money obviously) and Linny is up $400.

Dorothy: Congratulations, Alma!

Holy hell we have a name! 8:37 into the episode. Alma tells Sophia she wants to take her to mall and buy her bikini underwear. Sophia delicately states it rides up on her.

Rose tells Alma to stop having fun because last time she got tired she lost her balance and broke her hip. Alma points out she broke her hip last time ice skating. Rose continues her douche canoe ways of treating Alma like a little kid. She just won $400. I think she’ll be fine out there.

Alma and Sophia go out shopping, but gasp! Sophia comes home alone. Alma was feeling lucky and went to try her hand at hi-li (jai alai?) God I hope it’s what I think it is…imagine Alma out there playing Jai Alai.

Rose scolds Sophia for leaving Alma alone. Sophia is like “bitch please, she's an adult.” Dorothy remains the voice of reason that Alma can take care of herself. You know this is when the phone rings and we find out Alma was picked up by the police for being lost and confused.

Blanche appears as Rose leaves. She feels great. She even looks great, except for her flower print dress. Dirk is dressed like he stepped out of Miami Vice. Ah, the 80s.

The next scene is Dorothy under the sink as she fixes it. Sophia and her banter and then the real party starts as Rose and Alma storm into the living room.

Alma is angry because she stopped a policeman to ask for directions and he took her to the station. And then Rose scolded her. Alma declares she’s leaving early for Houston to stay with Rose’s brother because Rose is a wet blanket.

Dorothy: Can I talk to you as one daughter to daughter? Do you remember way back when we were teenagers what was the one thing we wanted most from our mothers?
Rose: Training bra?
Dorothy: Honey, the thing we wanted most was to be treated like adults.

Dorothy says as they got older they turn around a treat their mothers like little girls. Rose rushes off to talk to her mother. They have a heart to heart. It’s full of sappy sitcom drama. It's pretty much Rose lamenting the inevitable march of death that we will must take. And in case you forgot, the stars of this show are old.

Cut scene to Dorothy and Sophia having a heart to heart. But at least this ends with Sophia weaseling out of owing Dorothy for the money for the money she stole.

Blanche and Dirk have their date. For someone who is so self-absorbed she certainly acts like a different person with Dirk. And really, Dirk is a dumb-dumb. He used to work in a museum. Blanche, who works in a museum, gets excited until she learns he just lifted and moved the art work. At least Blanche starts to realize he is a fucking moron. He puts the finally nail in the coffin by comparing Blanche to his mother. I kinda wish she’d stabbed him with a salad fork. But he’s so stupid, I don’t think he knows what he’s saying.

Sophia and Alma are still betting each other. Sophia sucks at this. Like, really sucks. They start to talk about Blanche dating a younger man. Rose is, as can be expected, scandalized. Dorothy admits she did it once and then bombshell, Alma did it! 

Three years she banged an ex-con. This should be Nicholas Sparks’ next novel. Rose is trying her damnest to be OK with it.

Blanche comes home distraught. She admits Dirk humiliated her.

Blanche: For the first time in my life I feel over forty.
Dorothy: You know why that is? Because you’re over fifty.

The last minute of this episode is them talking about being old. Dorothy refuses to let Blanche wallow and lists all the good things Blanche has. And we end on it cheering Blanche up.

Drinks Counter

Blanche’s Beaus: 1

What the actual fuck. That was it?

Tune in next week for The Heart Attack