The Golden Girls S01 E06 On Golden Girls

S01 E06

Original Airdate October 26th, 1985

I have to start today’s post with some sad news. Charles Levin, the beautiful, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Coco, passed away. Following a disappearance on June 28^th his remains were found and identified on July 13^th. It is being treated as an accident. RIP Charles Levin 1949-2019 

In 1985 Miami things are a little less sad. Well for everyone but Blanche who cannot understand why “these things” always happen to her! Dorothy tells her to just admit she has cellulite. Blanche denies having cellulite and says her daughter Janet is having marital problems and she and her husband are going to Hawaii to try and work it out. I hope they bring Coco back a shirt.

None of that sounds horrible enough for Blanche to storm in all “woe is me” until we learn they are dumping her grandson with her. I mean we learn this after more cellulite jokes first. This show never met a zinger it didn’t like. Especially at the expense of exposition.

Rose tells Blanche she shouldn’t be upset and Dorothy chimes in saying she is the one who should be upset.

Dorothy: How am I supposed to study for my French final with a fourteen-year-old in the house? It’s hard enough with an eighty-year-old.

Don’t worry, she will never mention speaking French again in the rest of the series. 

Blanche is still like “WTF we gonna do with him for two weeks?” Two weeks? This marriage must be in real trouble. Hawaii is where Stan ended up when his marriage with Dorothy ended. Just saying.

Rose lists all the things they can do in Miami for two weeks. Including taking him to see Rambo. Rose is all hot and bothered by Sly Stallone.

Sophia: I sat through it twice, you’ll love it. He sweats like a pig and never puts his shirt on.

My sister has a crush on Sly Stallone so I’ll just leave this picture here. 

Weird Al?

Wrong picture. Here we go. 

Charlie Sheen?!

Ok, I got it now. Third time’s the charm. 

Close enough

In the next scene we learn Dorothy and Sophia are going to be bunking for the two week stay of Blanche’s grandson. Neither of them are happy about it.

Dorothy: I do not snore!
Sophia: Please, I’ve heard less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine.

How? Sophia slept with him. Right? That’s how she heard these disgusting noises.

Rose: I just fixed a special treat for David. It’s the same little afternoon snack I used to make for my own son. Triple decker BLT and hearty helping of homemade potato salad and a great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake.
Dorothy: Where was he going after school? The electric chair?

Rose says this was for her SON. She had daughters, but they only got the scrapes. Also, this is the same woman who gave her kids brandy in bottles. Another fine parenting tip from Rose.

Blanche comes in and her grandson, David, was not on the plane he was supposed to be on. Blanche confirms he got on the plane and was waiting for him when the first passenger got off. No David. Conveniently the doorbell rings as she says she called the police.

Sadly the officer is not Anthony from Designing Women this time. But he does have David in tow. The whippersnapper hid in the bathroom to take the plane to the Bahamas. Of course David spins this that it was an accident, but we the savvy audience know better because we are watching in the Golden Age of television.

Blanche: I don’t know how to thank you, Officer, but I would like to try. I’m usually at Wally’s at happy hour on Tuesdays.

*Drink for Blanche’s beau* That is some great grandparenting.

Dorothy: We’re just so happy to meet you.
David: I’ll believe that if you believe the Bahamas story.

Ok, so your grandmother has forgiven your clearly made up story and is willing to let it go. So your first official act in Miami is to tell the room it was made up. Smart.

Rose: I went to the Bahamas once.
David: Was it on the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria?

Because she’s old. Get it? Of course no one tells him what for. David leaves to go to a burger joint he passed.

Blanche: I don’t believe that. But what can I expect his father’s a Yankee.

You can expect someone who knows how to win a Civil War.

Sophia tells Blanche she should have hit David. She also likes to use a melon baller. Don’t get on her wrong side. Hot damn. Rose tells us her punishments as a kid was to milk Alice the cow sitting on a stool. We all know Alice is the one sitting on the stool. I wonder how Rose punished her kids? Probably sent them to bed without their brandy.

Also, Rose doesn’t say “back in St. Olaf” but the insane amount of detail in this story of how Alice ended up on a stool deserves half a drink *sip for Rose’s colorful farm story.*

The bedtime routine depicted with Dorothy and Sophia is a thing of my nightmares. So many disgusting bodily sounds. I can’t even. Sophia plucking her chin hairs is just life now.

Dorothy laments having trouble studying for her French final. Another stellar B Plot this is. Dorothy tosses and turns when she comes to bed. The seas are stormy tonight. Sophia continues to make noises and if I shared a bed with her I would cover her face with a pillow as she suggests Dorothy does if her noises bother her.  

Dorothy feels this is an appropriate time to reminisce about climbing into bed with her mother as a little girl after having a bad dream. While it is a sweet exchange highlighting the sarcastic, but sweet nature of their relationship, is it really the time? You were both just bitching about not being able to sleep due to the other’s annoying habits.

They finally shut up for sleep and BAM loud non-descript rock music blasts because this show did not get the rights to anything.

David has brought some friends over to party. I am as horrified as Dorothy at the rat tail on one of them. 

Blanche is polite and nice to David. Dorothy is like “this is an inconvenience.” Apparently it’s 2 am. Dorothy was studying at 2am then has the nerve to complain about not getting sleep.

David: Life’s too short. Especially for you guys.

BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD! GET IT?!

Dorothy kicks everyone out. David gets indignant. Wah wah wah. I’m an inconsiderate little a-hole. Wah wah wah.

David: What am I supposed to do for the next two weeks? Listen to your arteries harden?

You’re more likely to hear their chin hairs growing and boobs knocking against their knees. 

Sophia slaps him and gets all the applause. All of it, I tells ya.

Dorothy points out Sophia had no right to hit him. She didn’t, but I’m hard pressed to care. No one else would have and there’s only 11 minutes left. Something had to give to complete David’s arc into a decent human.

Blanche goes out onto the lanai to talk to David. *FINALLY drink for going onto the lanai*

Rose: This is like the long day’s journey into light.
Dorothy: Night, Rose.
Rose: Night, Dorothy.

Who’s on first.

On the lanai David says no one ever hit him before. He says he wants to go home, but Blanche points out no one is there to take care of him. We get his sob story that all his parents do is fight and ignore his presence. Blanche tells him he can talk to her, but he’s an emotional neglected teen. Off he goes.

The ladies put together a list of chores for David to do.

Blanche: I don’t see how doing all these chores is going to make him feel loved.
Dorothy: The one thing David has never had in his life is structure. Doing these chores will give him a little responsibility, he might even start feeling good about himself.

He’s fourteen. I guarantee it’ll only make him angrier. But this is TV Land, not reality. Besides, when David goes home angrier than before and knocks over a 7-11 we’ll never know because he will never be seen again.

Everyone recounts the chores they had to do as youths. Except Blanche because Blanche was a spoiled rich kid. And she in turn raised her daughter the same way. Blanche then blames herself for David’s behavior because his mother learned it from watching her.

Dorothy: You can’t blame yourself for David.
Blanche: You’re right. It’s my mother’s fault.

That’s the spirit.

Dorothy catches David sneaking out. 

He’s all like “I’ll runaway and get a job, mer!”

David: Why should I stay here when I have all this crappy stuff to do? And no one likes me anyway.
Dorothy: First of all, buddy boy, life is full of crappy stuff to do. It’s everywhere so you better get used to it. The president has crappy stuff to do. Second of all, your grandmother happens to like you. My mother likes you. She doesn’t hit anyone unless she really cares, take it from me. And I happen to like you.

Alright. So first off, I feel super demoralized by Dorothy’s crappy stuff to do speech. Second, are we going to address the use of “buddy boy” because that feels awkward and out of place everywhere. Especially coming out of Dorothy’s mouth.

Dorothy tells him he can tough it out and make things better. Dorothy offers to renegotiate the terms of his chores and everyone is happy again.

The next scene there’s a party on the lanai *oh God I missed you, drink for being on the lanai* Dorothy passed her French exam! Remember that? She’ll never use it anyway. It’s like my degree in History.

David admits to liking living with the ladies and asks to live there full time. OH MY GOD GET BUNK BEDS FOR HIM AND SOPHIA. David is assured his parents won’t give a fart about him living there.

Blanche goes to call his mother. Now remember her daughter is in Hawaii. We don’t know what time of year it is, but since David doesn’t have to worry about school, we’ll say it’s summer. It’s dark out on the lanai, which means it’s probably nine or ten at night. It would be about three in the afternoon in Hawaii. Blanche’s daughter is woken up by this phone call and has to wake her husband from a deep sleep.

“But they could be taking a nap” you are thinking. I don’t think so. I see this on shows all the time, people forget how time zones and sunsets work during different seasons. I firmly believe we are meant to think Blanche woke them up from a good night’s sleep because the writers didn’t take time zones into account.

Blanche tells Janet she wants to keep David and raise him. Janet and her husband, Michael are going to come and collect David. Blanche says if Janet doesn’t straighten up and pay attention to David she is going to take him and raise him.

Blanche: I would love to have a chance to raise David. I might make up for the mess I made with Janet.

What do we know about Janet? She has marital problems. Her son is a fourteen-year-old who kind of acts out.

David leaves to go to Hawaii and join his parents. Dorothy reminds him he is welcome with them whenever things get too tough at home. Where does he live that he can just go see them? And where would he get the money for the plane ticket? Who cares? He’ll never be seen again. Obviously he did all the right networking and shadowed Kate to become a top rated urologist.

Drinks Counter:
Blanche's Beaus: 1
Out on the Lanai: 2
Back in St. Olaf: 1/2

Tune in next week for The Competition