S01 E15 In a Bed of Rose's

S01 E15

Original Airdate: January 11, 1986

I have been totally swamped under with freelance work. But I am taking the next two months off of that. So Golden Girls ho! 

Open on Rose with a dude. Having an awkward end to the evening. Apparently she has been seeing this guy for a month and they have yet to seal the deal if you know what I mean. 

He says they can’t go to his place because his sister is there and they’d have an audience. Rose doesn’t want him there, for unspecified reasons. I mean, Blanche lives in this house. I feel fairly confident everyone owns earplugs. They go inside and Rose goes on to explain she’s never brought someone home. Once again, this is the house that Blanche built, y’all. 

Rose asks if he’s quiet and I want to vomit. Rose makes an escape strategy for this guy to leave in the morning when they go to play golf. I feel like a broken record, but, once again, Blanche’s house. BLANCHE. 

Anyway, they finally go to bone town and we cut to the next morning. Dorothy makes a comment about Rose having “some dream” the night before. And Rose questions it. I mean, can’t she tell she was louder than anticipated? And you know what, I’ll leave this here 

Blanche says she thought Rose was making love.

Rose: It was a nightmare. An Awful nightmare. Just terrible.
Blanche: Isn’t it interesting how the sounds are the same for awful nightmares and great sex?
Dorothy: Really? I wouldn’t know.

So has Dorothy never had a nightmare or she’s never had great sex? Rose tries to get them to leave so her dude can sneak out per the plan. But Blanche is going to follow up on Dorothy’s comment. Dorothy says making noise during sex is not ladylike. She goes so far as to say she always wanted to talk, but no one is ever interested in conversation at that point. Blanche explains she means dirty talk. And the mind wanders to dark corners of what Blanche would say.

Sophia enters and she’s arrived with the plot. She announces there’s a man in Rose’s bed. Blanche and Dorothy call Rose out for her nightmare lie.

Blanche: Rose got lucky.
Sophia: Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Rose’s toxic twat strikes again!

There’s some back and forth on if he’s dead or not. Sophia tells them to let a dead man lie there when it’ll be 98 degrees. She is obviously wearing a heavy sweater in this weather. Because this is Miami.

Dorothy tells Rose to go look. She won’t go. Blanche won’t go because she has a thing against dead people. She can’t look at dead people. Dorothy volunteers, but not after asking someone to go with her. Sophia has to go, because only she is unafraid.

Dorothy and Sophia confirm he’s dead with the phrase “he bought the farm” which Rose takes literally so the truth is spelled out for her. To which we get this gem:

Rose: The poor man and with a new farm and everything.

The realization dawns on Rose she slept with a dead man. Dorothy takes the reins of being a responsible adult, saying they need to call the police and notify the family. Rose says Al had a sister and she has to tell her.

Blanche recounts that the police cannot be allowed to tell Al’s sister. For you see, when her husband, George died, she was put on hold and then ate Doritos while telling her her husband died.

Blanche: Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won’t eat chips.
Rose: I never eat chips. I don’t like ‘em. They fall in my bra.

Yuuuup. Rose doesn’t want to tell Al’s sister where he died so the adult in the room, Dorothy, tells her to just say he was visiting. Rose calls the only Beatty in the phone book in Boca Raton and uh oh. It wasn’t his sister it was his wife!

Alright, so, yeah. Rose is unwittingly made the other woman. But…she’s in her fifties. Al is at least in his fifties too. They were dating a month and never boinked. And they never had a conversation until the day she killed him with her snatch dragon? I know Rose is naïve, but he’s a serial cheater (as learned later) and he hung on with Rose for a month without getting any? And she never questioned the relationship with his “sister?”

Blanche: I don’t know why they do that. Don’t they know we’ll sleep with ‘em anyway?

And my head explodes. Blanche says she doesn’t cheat. But she makes constant references to the fact she’ll bone down on a married dude if given the opportunity. Which is it, Blanche?

Rose states this is the hardest thing to have to tell someone. Blanche says nay nay. The hardest thing is telling your pregnant sister she’s been cheated on by her husband and you’re the sister and also pregnant. Everyone assumes it’s Blanche who told this to her pregnant sister. And yet Rose still thought bringing a dude home was weird. Despite everyone believing this of Blanche? Anyway, Blanche was recounting an episode of Dallas.

Rose: Oh, I thought you were the one.
Blanche: Oh, please. I could never do anything like that.

Referencing above when you said you’d slept with married men without the lies!!! *HEAD EXPLODES*

Blanche: If you saw my brother-in-law you’d know why.

Head remains ‘sploded.

Rose: But I’ve never done anything like this, tell a woman her husband’s been seeing me.
Blanche: And she’ll say “Why, that dirty rat. I will kill him.” You say, “Good news, Darlin’ you don’t have to. He’s dead.”

That is some sound advice. I vote in favor of that or Sophia’s idea to say she found him dead on the lawn when she turned the sprinkler’s on. No one wants your adult approach on this one, Dorothy!

Next scene Rose is at the house of Al’s wife. Al’s wife is hella pragmatic when Rose says she’s there to discuss Al.

Mrs. Beatty: He dumped you. You’ve been dating him and he dumped you and now you’re getting even by telling me.

Damn woman. Cut to the chase. I must ask, why was she with him? Was this like a royal arranged marriage? It’s expected he keeps a mistress or two, but for the good of the realm they stay married? He does work in diamond importation, perhaps her family is in the gold trade and they make engagement/wedding rings. The tragic irony being that their marriage never worked. 

Dude slept with someone else on their honeymoon! He slept with a chambermaid in Paris. Even in the 80s, was chambermaid still a term used? Were they time traveling, gold-diamond barons?

Rose tells Mrs. Beatty Al died of a heart attack. Am I the only one who finds it weird Rose never gets her first name and calls her Mrs. Beatty? Their women of a similar age. Call her by her Christian name, damnit. Or do the Puritan thing.

Goody Nylund: Oh Goody Beatty, ‘tis a tragedy yon husband hath perished.

Mrs. Beatty, who I will call Evelyn until a first name is provided, goes into denial that her Al has died.

Evelyn: I’m talking so it can’t be true. You know what I mean? If I keep talking, it isn’t true. All I have to do is talk forever.

That is some depressing shit right there. Evelyn has a brief moment of crying, but she puts on her stiff upper lip. She says she loved him and he was a decent man. The same decent man who fucked everybody. Did he give millions to charity? Or like, volunteer all over Boca Raton? Or did he have a really big dick? He sounds like scum.

Rose tells Evelyn it’s her fault. She goes on to explain her husband also succumbed to her coochie monster. (You know what, drink for every mention of Rose’s deadly vagina because I hope to get at least one more in before this episode is over. This makes 3)

Rose: They drop like flies around me.

Except in the 15 episodes watched you’ve slept with Arnie and Jonathan (presumably) and they are both alive. And then Evelyn calls Rose Mrs. Nylund and my head explodes again. Rose does the selfish thing and makes the grieving about herself. Thankfully Evelyn points this out and demands Rose comfort her since her quim pro quo *Drink for Rose’s vagina* is what killed Al.

Rose returns home to declare she’s becoming a nun. Rose is protestant. Not Catholic, btw. She tells Blanche about Charlie dying because of her poisoned fish taco. *Drink for Rose’s vagina*

Blanche: What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose: Nothing. I do nothing. 
Blanche: Well, maybe that’s it. They have to do it all.

The conversation divulges into women who actually meant to kill their husbands. And one colorful St. Olaf story. Even though Rose doesn’t say “Back in St. Olaf” this season, I’m counting it. *Drink for back in St. Olaf*

Next scene the ladies are going out square dancing. I vomit again. Rose doesn’t want to go because she’s sworn off men. Sophia tries to entice her by saying Rose will get to see her eat corn on the cob with her dentures. 

Dorothy: Honey, you sure you’re gonna be all right here alone?
Sophia: She’ll be fine. If someone breaks in, she’ll just have to sleep with them.

*Drink for Rose’s vagina*

While Rose is home alone Evelyn stops by. Which it’s fortunate she didn’t go square dancing. Evelyn came by with the autopsy report. She wanted to do something nice for Rose who had the courage to tell her about Al’s death in person. The man’s arteries were clogged to shit. Evelyn goes on to say she’s happy he died doing what he liked to do best with a caring person. And everyone is distinctly uncomfortable.

Next scene they’re out on the lanai (FUCKING FINALLY) *Drinks for being on the lanai* Rose comes out dressed like a Puritan. So she is now Goody Nylund until this episode is over. 

Goody Nylund is going on an overnight trip with a man. She saw Al for a month and never shpadoinkled, but now she’s going out with someone else. It’s been three months since Al. She’s going out with Arnie. Could this be the same Arnie she canoodled with earlier this season? Do they have an open relationship?! She even says she’s already fucked him and she’s still nervous about going away from the weekend. But why? He survived her backfiring muff already, what’s the big deal? *Drink for Rose’s vagina*

Dorothy and Blanche talk about did she or didn’t she as they wait for Rose to return.

Dorothy: You know, I abstained after Stan and I split up…

OK 1) would you say you absSTANed?! 2) you slept with your divorce lawyer after it was final. How long did you divorce take?

Goody Nylund comes home looking miserable. She tells the girls she killed Arnie with her panty hamster *Drink for Rose’s vagina* and when the police arrived, the sheriff demanded she prove it’s just her way in bed. He also succumbs to her fanny pack *Drink for Rose’s vagina* Despite not being gullible, Blanche and Dorothy believe Goody Nylund is in a lot of trouble for killing all these men by sleeping with them. Yeah, I don’t know.

Turns out Goody Nylund had a great time with Arnie. Episode over. 

Drinks Counter –
Rose’s Vagina: 8
Out on the Lanai: 1
Back in St. Olaf: 1