S01 E14 That Was No Lady

S01 E14

Original Air Date: December 21, 1985

I am officially a homeowner. 

Which means I have space and privacy to watch and blog about The Golden Girls!

We open on Rose and Sophia playing a board game on the lanai! Drink for being on the lanai! A trivial board game, but the board doesn’t look like Trivial Pursuit. Which leads me to believe there’s a trivia game out there they created for this show, so Rose and Sophia could play and I must have it.

Blanche busts in on the party where Sophia casualty alludes to her sluttiness and Blanche just keeps on keeping on. She’s going to buy a car, but she can only afford it if she can unload her old one. I’d like to point out we don’t know what the new car is or the old, but this is prime sitcom fodder so I am ready. 

Sophia suggests Rose buy the car because she needs a new one. Blanche objects.

Blanche: She’s my friend. My great granddaddy always used to say there are two things you never sell to a friend – a car and a sleigh, ‘cause if either of them quits workings you’ll never hear the end of it.

So, I watch these with captions on to type up quotes correctly and I can say closed captions is wrong on this one. Blanche is absolutely saying “slave” and not sleigh.

Blanche: ‘Course they hanged my great granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn’t have.

Like sitting on cold concrete gives you hemorrhoids. After that colorful trip into the old south with Blanche she asks Rose what she’d offer for the car.

Rose: Of, I couldn’t buy your car. It’s not my type. I want a car that says “practical.” Your car says “available.”
Blanche: Well, just take off my personalized plates.

Goddamnit, Blanche.

Blanche tells Rose to try the car for two weeks. SITCOM HIJINKS

Dorothy finally comes in in a surprisingly good mood. She’s going on a date with Glen O’Brian. He’s a gorgeous gym teacher (he’s not). Dorothy pushed 25 students out of the way to talk to him. She’s totally smitten after 30 seconds of conversation, something Blanche refers to as a thunderbolt and it happened to her once. She provides no details, so no drinks on this one. Rose says she was hit the first time she met Charlie, when she was 7 and he was 8.

He sold her insurance after her wagon was trampled by hogs. All I’m going to say is “Acts of swine?”

Cut to Dorothy and Glen in the midst of post-coital dressing. And apparently we’re three weeks in the future and they’re clearly in a hotel. They’re in love, luv, lurv. Dorothy is deliriously happy. Guys, guys, you ready for the other shoe to drop?! 

They kiss and I vomit. Dorothy suggests they skip school, (she’s on a fixed income and a substitute teacher in case you forgot) fly to the Bahamas, and just sex it up. Glen says he can’t. He drops the bomb. He’s married. 

Dorothy is shocked! He uses that old line it’s been over for years. Glen says he never lied to her because he’s telling her now.

Ok, well, first off 1) a lie of omission is still a lie. 2) Dorothy, sweetie, YOU’RE IN A FUCKING HOTEL ROOM! Did that not strike you as odd? Your husband cheated your entire marriage and in three weeks you never once questioned this? Obviously she’s blinded by love.

Dorothy calls him out on his bullshit at least all while he makes his weak-ass excuses. Glen tells her not to go and she does. But we’re 8:25 in, this is not over, dear readers.

Exterior shot! And ok, so here we have an issue. Blanche told Rose to borrow the car for two weeks to test it. It’s been three weeks for Glen and Dorothy, they had their first date AFTER the deal with the car was made. Now, after the break up, Rose comes home and she’s still testing out Blanche’s car to buy. Are we on two separate timelines in this episode? IS THIS THE DARKEST TIMELINE? 

Blanche’s car is making weird sounds, sounds that, according to Sophia, are the sounds almost dead men make. Rose says she should take it to a mechanic and Blanche protests. Because mechanics only make money when there’s something wrong with a car, or at least they say there is. Rose thinks this is a good point.

Sophia: Boy I wish I had a car to sell.

My thoughts exactly.

The phone rings and Rose thinks it’s Glen. So she tells him never to call again. It’s not. It’s Mr. Yamamoto from the school district. And oh boy does she say some casually racist things about expecting that Mr. Yamamoto would be fair, and polite, and a good at math…yeah…

Rose tells Dorothy he called about a teaching job. Dorothy says she’s not ready yet. Once again, I would like to remind everyone, Dorothy is a substitute teacher, with a fixed income. Financial hardships make up a lot of plots on this show and she is turning it down. 

This is like in the pilot when Blanche skipped worked for three weeks because of that bigamist. What the fuck kind of PTO do these ladies have? And how do I get in on it?

Dorothy: For three weeks he made me the happiest woman in the world.

Three weeks of a relationship, two weeks on a car, continuity is for chumps. Rose tells Dorothy she did the right thing. Dorothy gets angry because she feels terrible about “the right thing.”

Blanche says if Dorothy and Glen are realistic, who cares? Blanche says she’s not condoning their behavior, but she’s not passing judgement. Which, works. And like, I agree…? It’s no one’s business, but, BUT, it’s not like Glen told his wife about this and they’re just married for the tax benefits. It is her business, even if it’s not Rose or Blanche’s.

Blanche: Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we’d like it to. Sometimes we have to just grab happiness where we can get it.

I mean, I understand Blanche’s point. But this is a dicey situation. Guaranteed to end in heartache. So yeah, don’t judge your friend, but maybe think about the inevitable fallout for their sake?

The phone rings again and it’s Glen. Dorothy picks up again. Even though less than a minute ago Blanche said she didn’t condone and didn’t judge, now she’s actively telling Dorothy to bed hop with him. Once again, continuity is for chumps. Dorothy hangs up, telling him it’s over, but as soon as Blanche and Rose are gone she calls him to set up a date.

Dorothy was cheated on! Why is she thinking only of her heartache at breaking up? Why isn’t she thinking about Mrs. O’Brian’s potential heartache? At the end of the episode she brings this point up, but why did it take her so long to get to that point?

Anyway…next scene she comes in and spills the beans to Rose, who is aghast. And Rose keeps saying she doesn’t want to hear about it and Dorothy says she doesn’t want to talk about it and the circle of life continues as they keep hearing and talking about it. 

They go to separate rooms, Dorothy to her bedroom, Rose to the kitchen. Of course, Dorothy comes into the kitchen because she wants to talk about it and assuage her guilt. Blanche joins them.

Rose says Blanche has experience in “that” area. I’d like to point out Dorothy is eating chocolate cake, Rose mentioned she made herself a sandwich, and Blanche is just eating green olives out of the jar. I just, what?

Rose: Evil is as evil does.
Dorothy: Oh, will you stop being so judgmental?

Yeah, seriously.

Dorothy says Blanche knows what she’s going through and Blanche is like “what? No.” Now, in another episode she talks about the minister she slept with who was married. Continuity is for chumps, guys.

Sophia enters. She calls Dorothy a floozy.

Next scene Sophia is on the lanai. Drinks out on the lanai. Rose runs up saying she needs to find Blanche. Blanche conveniently enters the scene.

Rose was at the bank getting money to borrow the car. The car she was testing for two/three weeks. Blanche says she can’t sell it to her because she grew conscious or something. But it doesn’t matter, the car’s been stolen! Blanche is angry until Sophia reminds her its insured and she’ll get full blue book for it. All is forgiven! They leave Sophia alone, only for musical characters to continue as Dorothy enters the scene.

Sophia and Dorothy argue about the situation. Dorothy leaves and we cut to a hotel. The same room. Dorothy decides they need to talk. She says it’s not working out anymore, admitting she can’t be the other woman.

Glen proves he’s a coward that he can’t leave his wife because he doesn’t want the uncertainty of being single at his age. Dorothy doesn’t call him a coward, but once again, points out his bullshit. She leaves, knowing there is no future here. It’s all very dramatic.

At home Dorothy and Sophia talk. It’s like nothing bad happened. Sophia says she was never angry at Dorothy, just worried. When Rose and Blanche come home, Dorothy admits to them what happened.

They were going to go cruising, but they agree to stay in. For like three seconds. They’re going to go cruising in Blanche’s new car! And she’s going to take them to a place she knows where men wrestle naked in the mud.

Since it has been so long these are the things we drink for.

Shady Pines, Ma: 0
Blanche's Beaus: 0
Back in St. Olaf: 0
Picture it: 0
Out on the Lanai: 2
Weddings: 0
Funerals: 0
Cheesecake: 0

Next episode: In a Bed of Rose’s