S01 E13 A Little Romance

S01 E13

Original Airdate December 14^th, 1985

God save me, I moved to a new state. To a new timezone. My life is in boxes. Except for my laptop, so Golden Girls away!

We open with Sophia packing a suitcase, but here’s the catch, she’s packing food! Hilarious. When Dorothy asks why Sophia is packing all this food to visit Phil she takes a potshot at Phil’s wife. She apparently only goes into the kitchen for a cold beer. His wife is a welder. So good for her.

Sophia: My son married a welder. Too bad she didn’t weld his zipper shut. They got ten kids they can’t afford.

You’re Catholic, Sophia, that should make you happy.

Anyway, Sophia is visiting Phil because one of his sons is graduating pet grooming school. You best believe Sophia has some thoughts about that and they are not complimentary.

The family moment is interrupted by Blanche and her great new way to meet new men. CPR class. Nothing says romance like the kiss of life. Sexy. Of course, when Blanche does it it actually is sexy.

It’s Rose’s turn to bust up the party. She’s getting ready for a date. She’s see her doctor boyfriend Jonathan Newman often and Blanche and Dorothy are DTF Jonathan’s doctor friends. Don’t worry, when they meet him, their tunes will change.

Cutscene to a few days (?) later and Rose is mad Blanche invited her boyfriend to dinner. Rose is cagey and upset about this dinner party. Do you know why?! GUYS, IT’S THE ‘80’S WHAT SHENANIGANS IS AHEAD?!?! 

She drops a hint that she doesn’t want her friends to do or say anything that would embarrass him. Blanche tells us about her dream where she’s running through a train that’s going through tunnels and a sweaty bodybuilder chases her. Dr. Newman thinks it’s sexual and this has never occurred to Blanche. 

Dorothy already knew it was sexual. The doorbell rings and Blanche slams the door in his face because it’s a small person and Blanche assumes it’s a little boy. Commence the Freudian slips. 

Blanche can’t deal with the embarrassment of potentially making him feel self-conscious. It would be “unsouthern.” Of course when she walks out with the h'ordeuvres and says “shrimp” it all goes to shit. Dr. Newman is ready to make Blanche feel self-conscious about it.

We jump ahead to after dinner drinks and Dr. Newman has charmed Dorothy and Blanche because he’s delightful. Unfortunately Sophia comes home and we know what happens when Sophia is home. Shenanigans. No one can trust this daffy old lady not to insult their guest.

Sophia’s grandson failed pet grooming school and that’s why she’s home.

Sophia: I hope this doesn’t sound rude *OH NO WHAT WILL SHE SAY?!* But I’ve just gotten back from a long trip, and I’m very tired. If you’ll excuse me.

PSYCHE! She didn’t do anything. The show fooled you. 

Dorothy follows Sophia who verifies Dr. Newman is small and that she’s not having a stroke. So you know, classic Sophia. As Rose walks Dr. Newman out he says he has something important to talk to her about and she’s convinced he’s going to ask her to marry him.

Ok, Rose has only been a few dates with him. She knows he wants to get remarried, but this still feels like a leap. Even for Rose. She needs to make sure her deadly vagina doesn’t kill him.

Rose admits she was embarrassed to have her friends meet him and she’s uncomfortable being in public with him. She is ashamed she feels this way.

Then Blanche tells a story about her and Benjamin. *Drink for Blanche’s beau* In the south, during her youth, some things were forbidden and certain people were not to mix. So she saw him in secret. She eventually went to prom with Benjamin, outing her scandalous relationship with pride for the boy she loved.

Dorothy: And it’s terrible to think that the two of you were almost kept apart just because Benjamin was black.
Blanche: Black? Benjamin wasn’t black. He was from New Jersey. I went to my senior prom with a Yankee!

Dorothy dresses Blanche down in characteristic sarcasm. Good. Because that story.

Rose has a dream about her wedding day to Dr. Newman *what the hell, drink for a wedding* Her dream is filled with dream nonsense, but there’s a kernel of wisdom. Rose knows she shouldn’t care what other people think about the height difference because she cares for him. The wonderful Billy Barty makes an appearance as Rose’s father in her dream to highlight the point size matters not. 

Jeane Dixon also appears in her dream. Psychics, amirite? 

Rose wakes up and says she knows what she’s going to do. She’s going to stay with him.

Of course at dinner the next night Jonathan had other ideas about their talk. He tells her it’s important for each party to accept the other. Rose, of course, says she accepts him for who he is, but oh no! That’s not what he was getting out. Rose isn’t Jewish and that’s a problem.

This GIF is getting a workout today. Rose freaks out, but they come away laughing over it. We end on this note.

Waiter: How was the shrimp?
Rose: Unfortunately I’ll never know. You see, he’s Jewish, and we can’t see each other anymore.

Drinks Counter:
Wedding: 1
Blanche’s Beaus: 1

Next Time That was no Lady