S01 E12 - The Custody Battle

S01 E12

Original Air Date December 7^th, 1985

I stayed up until the wee hours to finish my homework so I wouldn’t have to waste any brainpower on that and I can devote all my brain power to this. You’re welcome.

You guys ready for another episode with family?! Because you should be. Gloria, Dorothy’s sister is coming to town. Not to be confused with Gloria, who will leave you hangin’ on the line. 

We open on Dorothy and Sophia washing dishes. More like Sophia finding fault with everything Dorothy does.

Dorothy: We’ve been washing glasses for ten minutes. We’ve finished three.
Sophia: So what’s the rush? It’s not like you have a date tonight…It’s not like you have a date any night.

This in unimportant to the way they’re washing dishes. Ten minutes on three glasses is bonkers and I’d strangle that old lady with a dish towel.

Blanche comes in asking to borrow a lot of expensive jewelry from Dorothy. She’s going on a sleepover date with Jason, the community theater director. Oh lala. I don’t remember if she sleeps with him (pretty sure she does), but I’m going to give her a point for her optimism. *Drink for Blanche’s beau*

Blanche is up for the role of Lady Macbeth. We’ll be returning to this little plot point later, because I got things to say. 

Sophia tries to use Blanche’s date to set Dorothy up with one of Jason’s friend. Sophia is not picking on what this guy does or looks like.

Blanche: Sorry Sophia, but I’ve already pawned Rose off on his fat friend.

Fan-tas-tic.

Dorothy: Wait, Blanche, honey, aren’t you forgetting something?
Blanche: Oh, no, I never wear underwear.

I love that Blanche just says that like anyone was actually going to ask that question. But what Dorothy was talking about was that Blanche didn’t bother with her jewelry. Blanche, in the two minutes since she asked, as decided not to “paint the peacock.” Except peacocks are males. She’d be a peahen and those things could use some paint.

As Rose and Blanche leave Sophia tells Dorothy that her sister Gloria is never home on a Friday night. She’s always out with another guy. So what she’s saying is Gloria is a Blanche. Both wealthy widows? Both always out on dates? I bet Sophia doesn’t call Gloria a slut though.

Dorothy points out Gloria only calls three times a year and that she makes excuses for her not contacting them more.

Sophia: I don’t make excuses for any of my children. Except Phil. 

Dorothy gets up to watch TV in her room, as she leave Sophia hands her the phone number of a man who was missing some fingers she met at the grocery store. Dorothy is upset at the interference in her love life. She tells Sophia to stop smothering her so Sophia storms out to go to her friend Mildred’s.

Scene shift to breakfast where Rose asks Blanche why they’re doing Macbeth. Apparently they were doing a musical, but the accordion player died. Blanche says playing Lady Macbeth is a much bigger challenge. Rose points out Blanche doesn’t have the part yet, but Blanche let’s us know she auditioned last night to great reviews. You know what *Drink for Blanche’s beau* she’s earned it.

Gloria arrives with a wrapped present. Ah the ‘80s. She flew from California with that wrapped gift. You know TSA would be all over her ass these days.

Gloria has no luggage because she’s staying at a hotel. Sophia guilt trips Gloria about staying in a hotel instead of in the house with them. I want to point out Gloria ends up sharing Dorothy’s room, not Sophia. And after she went on and on about how they shared a body for nine months.

After a quick introduction to Rose and Blanche those daffy bitches are off to audition for Macbeth.

Gloria has Dorothy and Sophia open their gifts. Sort of. She tells them what’s in the packages.

Gloria: Now, there is a new outfit for you and some warm pajamas and an electric blanket. Every time I call you it seems you have a cold.

OH MY GOD THEY LIVE IN MIAMI. FFS. I mean really. I’ve had colds in the summer. It’s still hot as balls outside. Too hot to warrant warm pajamas.

Gloria also got Dorothy a makeover gift certificate from Elizabeth Arden’s. She obviously tells Dorothy what it is before Dorothy can open it.

So in this scene Gloria says she’s going to freshen up and call her driver. Dorothy points her down the hall even though the phone is right next to the couch. Now, I know she’s probably pointing to the bathroom, but since Gloria’s last statement was about calling her driver it drives me bonkers. The phone is right there! Don’t go down the hall!

Sophia: That Gloria’s some special kid.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, she’s you’re baby. All mothers think their babies are special. 
Sophia: That’s ridiculous. I think all my children are special. Except Phil. 

The next scene opens with Blanche declaring she’s 99% sure she got the part. Dorothy talks about Gloria, saying she got the feeling her parents liked Gloria better than her. Poor Phil, no one cares about him. Blanche says she knew her parents liked her sisters better. And we get this gem of her sisters had clowns and magicians at their parties and she didn’t.

Blanche: But I never had a clown. Not until I was
Blanche and Dorothy: Much older.

*Drink for Blanche’s really disturbing beau* 

Rose grew up with the Waltons, apparently.

Dorothy says Michael Landon, but I stick by the Waltons. I’m going to count Rose’s happy childhood story as a “Back in St. Olaf” story. *Drink for those wacky Minnesotans in St. Olaf*

As she starts to recount another story as they leave the kitchen, Blanche slams the swinging door in her face.

In Dorothy’s bedroom Gloria has too much luggage for a week’s stay. She packs like my husband.

Gloria asks if Dorothy is resentful of her by listing the great things in her life. Like she’s rich, had a happy marriage while Dorothy’s failed, and “all my children are practicing professionals, and yours aren’t?” Hold up. Kate is a renowned urologist, you cow! Gloria sounds like a real a-hole.

Gloria invites Dorothy to visit. She really sells the place by saying Bert Convy shops in her grocery store. I don’t believe Gloria does her own shopping. Dorothy gets all hot and bothered by Bert. Gross. 

Gloria drops the bomb that Sophia wants to move in and Sophia is doing it!

The next scene has Dorothy talking to Sophia about it. Throughout the scene Sophia packs away a lot of breakables without wrapping them first and my head explodes.

Dorothy obviously doesn’t want Sophia to leave, but she allows her grown mother to make her own decisions. Sophia also clearly isn’t totally on board with moving and seems like she wanted Dorothy to stop her.

Dorothy and Rose both come into the kitchen to tell Blanche bad news. Rose goes first.

Blanche isn’t going to be Lady Macbeth, she’s going to be witch number three. Rose got cast as Lady Macbeth because she has presence. And Katie calls BULLSHIT.

Lady Macbeth is the powerhouse in Macbeth. She orchestrates Duncan’s murder, strong arming Macbeth into it. Like her husband the drive for power and the guilt over the murders drives her mad and she commits suicide. This is neither Rose or Blanche. You know who it is? Sophia. Sophia manipulates the world around her.

Anyway, Blanche comes at Rose with a knife. Dorothy keeps trying to interject to deliver her news. Her news makes Rose’s look as insignificant as it is. Blanche and Rose fight with Dorothy about it, trying to get her to stop Sophia. Dorothy points out Sophia is a grown woman who can do whatever she wants.

Dorothy and Gloria have a heart to heart. Gloria tells Dorothy she’s always been the favorite. The one Sophia trusts and comes to for help. Gloria also pulls a “poor little rich girl” sob story how all she has is her money and mansion and Bert Convy, but Dorothy has more. 

Dorothy confronts Sophia and tells Sophia she’s not leaving. And like a flan in a cupboard Sophia caves in and says she’ll stay. And just like that, everything’s ok.

Sophia comes in with gifts. She’s returning all the things she’s stolen over the years. The other three go to raid her room. Remember when Rose got smashed in the face by the swinging kitchen door? The episode ends with her hesitantly walking through it to avoid being hit in the face again. Continuity!

Drink Counter:

Blanche’s Beaus: 3
Back in St. Olaf: 1

Tune in next time for A Little Romance