The Golden Girls S01 E03 Rose the Prude

 

S01 E03

Original Air Date September 28^th, 1985

Ya’ll ready for this? Today’s topic is sex. Widowhood sex. Oh yeah.

We start the episode with Dorothy and Sophia playing Gin Rummy. On the lanai of all places. *drink once for being on the lanai* Blanche busts up the party with a classic sitcom plot. Her date won’t go out with her because his brother is in town and his brother needs a date!

*drink once for Blanche’s beaus* We are starting early and starting strong on the drinks today. Anyway, Blanche invites Dorothy, but Dorothy is busy playing Gin Rummy with Sophia. She’s determined to win against her for the first time. In thirty years of playing this with her mother she hasn’t won once. I fail to believe this statistic, because as my high school German teacher used to say “even the blind hen gets the kernel once.”

Not to be deterred Blanche turns to Rose who conveniently enters the scene when Blanche needs her.

Rose: I don’t think so, I’m not that interested in dating anymore.
Blanche: Now you know that’s not true, honey, or you’d let your hair go natural.

Her sick burn is uncalled for and beautiful. Somebody get some aloe for Rose.

Rose goes on about how great Charlie was and how she was spoiled by a wonderful marriage and all men pale in comparison. I bet he had a big dick. (he did, it is confirmed later, I promise)

Rose: I know I am going to regret this and I know I’m going to have a miserable time, but I’ll go.

Way to take one for the team, Rose. You sound like me when people try to get me to go outside. I’m a curmudgeon though. You’re supposed to be the nice one.

Dorothy asks Rose why she’s so unhappy at the prospect of this date and she explain she’s tired of going out and not enjoying herself. She’s upset the men in Miami are old. Remember that first episode where every opportunity was spent reminding us these women were so old they were about to turn into dust and blow away? Well, now we have to hear how the men of Miami are old and walking corpses. 

Rose tries to convince Dorothy to go, but Dorothy is a glutton for punishment and is going to play cards if it kills her. In a scene cut Dorothy has lost again and Sophia enters the room with a wad of cash. Dorothy is a gambling addict. (also confirmed later) My God, the foreshadowing in this episode…

Then there’s a pile on over Dorothy’s worst features. Because this is mean girls and don’t you forget it.

Blanche and her date didn’t mesh, but Rose had a blast.

Rose: I haven’t laughed so much or acted so silly since I was a teenager!

But everyone paled in comparison to Charlie. Who she was married to for over thirty years. Rose peaked in high school. Rose and Arnie ran a tollbooth because “it was there.” Ooh, hot stuff coming through! I jumped a turnstyle in Paris because I lost my train ticket, big whoop. Come talk to me when you and Arnie shoot a man just to watch him die.

They can be the 1980s version of Bonnie and Clyde, knocking over 7-11s for Metamucil. 

Blanche is all sour grapes that Rose had a good time. Considering how much Blanche dates, I’d think she would be used to a dud here or there. Dorothy points this out and says she dates lots of interesting guys, like the coach from the Miami Dolphins *drink for Blanche’s beau*. This of course gets Blanche all hot and bothered. I can see her drool pretty clearly. She’s probably going to slip under her covers and enjoy this feeling she’s got.

The next scene opens with typical banter. Dorothy has gruff hands, Blanche is pretty, Sophia is old and a scam artist. On her way out the door Sophia opens it and there’s Rose and Arnie and Sophia tells them to take it inside. But Rose is just hugging Arnie. It is fucking weird. They’re not kissing or groping each other. They look like they’re in the middle of an awkward hug and Sophia treats it like these two crazy kids are necking on the porch.

Rose looks as uncomfortable as I feel by this weird hug and goes out onto the lanai without saying a word. *drinks on the lanai!* We learn that Arnie wants Rose to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. Rose tries to tactfully say she is afraid of the intimacy that will take place when they’re alone in a stateroom. Dorothy gets it, but Blanche is like

Because the slutty one, get it? If you didn’t get it, don’t worry, that point will be driven home over the course of the series, I promise.

Rose delicately explains she hasn’t been with a man since Charlie. Blanche is astonished at this information. Which, I’m not sure why. She knows Rose pretty well and has to be aware that sexually speaking her Minnesota roommate is not as sexually liberated as she is. Dorothy of course takes the opportunity to point out Blanche is a slutty mcslut-slut. You just wish you were as confident in yourself as Blanche is, Dorothy.

Rose says she thought that part of her life was over until Arnie. Which Dorothy rightly points out is a sign she should go on this cruise and have a good time and if she feels the time is right, then she should go for it.

Dorothy: The bottom line is if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, but honey if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.

Which is amazing advice you can use in most situations. Someone put that on a coffee cup. And because of this brilliant coffee cup advice Rose decides she’s going to take a chance.

This leads us to a scene in the ship’s stateroom with a nervous Rose. She tries to be seductive on the bed, but she’s Rose, so she makes it awkward. The following exchange about Arnie’s bathroom is also awkward. It’s cringeworthy, but wonderful. It shows us how sweet and naïve and awkward Rose is when it comes to sex. She doesn’t know how she should act and so she babbles about Arnie’s robe. And for his part, Arnie is pretty sweet and let’s her babble without making her feel dumb. He can read the room, good for Arnie. He tries to make her comfortable by doing something he knows she likes, dancing.

Rose continues to babble about a Glen Miller cover band. But she also goes on about Charlie. And she continues her cringeworthy escapade by comparing Arnie to Charlie. I am uncomfortable for her. Thankfully Arnie puts a stop to it. And he tells her “you like me for who I am, not who I remind you of.” This whole scene is wonderful to me.

Rose is trying to be comfortable in a new and frightening situation and Arnie is trying to be accommodating. But he also wants to make sure Rose is there because of him and if she is going to sleep with him it’s because of who HE is, not because he’s like Charlie. He does what he thinks will put her at ease and when she balks and runs he let’s her go to be alone.

Back at home Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia talk about Rose’s sex life. And their firsts after their husbands.

Blanche says it was the reverend at George’s funeral service *drink for Blanche’s beaus and you know what, drink for George’s funeral* Blanche tells the tale of a married reverend and his lustful heart. She paints a picture of forbidden, passionate love. But apparently he was terrible in bed and kept his socks on. Ga-ross.

Blanche asks Dorothy who was the first after Stan and she doesn’t want to say. But Sophia knows. Because of course she does. It was Dorothy’s divorce lawyer. There are no details of this love affair, but I’ll assume Dorothy was down on herself and he was there. Dorothy teaches Blanche a new trick. Lean over a mirror and behold the horrors of your deflated face! I tried this as a teen and did not get the big deal. I’m legitimately scared to look over a mirror now for the horrors I’ll see.

Don’t worry there’s a fix to this monstrosity. Lay on your back, it’ll all slide back like a face lift.

Blanche: I’m going to have to meet men lying down.
Sophia: I thought you did. 

On the ship it’s been at least twelve hours and Rose has been hiding in the bathroom. Arnie says he’ll move rooms because he’s being nice and understanding. Rose says she feels like she’s being unfaithful and Arnie reveals he felt the same after his wife died. He points out all men are animals because he felt like he was cheating on his dead wife, but went right ahead and boned right along. He says his wife was his world, but that she wouldn’t want him unhappy. That advice gets slung around this show a lot. Any time someone is hesitant about doing something in the relationship department “well, so and so would want you to be happy.” It’s supposed to be a “you gotta keep living” mantra, but it comes off kind of “hey baby, let me slip it in” here. Arnie’s using this line to get Rose in the sack. I know that’s not how I’m supposed to view this line and this scene, but I did. Arnie just lost some cool points due to emotional manipulation.

And then, we learn, Rose has a murderous vagina. Charlie died while having sex with Rose and she’s afraid she’ll kill Arnie too.

Arnie: I had a check up a few weeks ago. I have the heart of a 12 year old!

What if Charlie died of a brain aneurysm? Your illegally harvested child organs will do you no good!

Rose asks him to stay and hold her. Don’t do it, Rose! He’ll harvest your organs! They cut away from this tender moment where Arnie puts Rose in a bath tub full of ice...

Sophia tries to entice her gambling addict daughter to another game of cards. When Dorothy refuses, Sophia tells her she hates cards, but she loves the gossip around the cards. That’s a nice little tidbit on their relationship. They both kind of hate cards, but bond over the game. It's sweet. And yet…Sophia is making money off her daughter’s losing streak…Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Rose: It’s their cheese! (I couldn’t resist and I am not sorry.)

Blanche bursts in to say Rose is in the driveway. And Dorothy says they aren’t allowed to ask embarrassing questions.

Just like in the first episode where everyone wants to know if Blanche said yes to her proposal, Rose talks about how lovely the cruise was and blah blah blah until Dorothy explodes and demands to know if sex was had! And I mean demands it!

Rose: Some ladies don’t kiss and tell.
Blanche: Oh honey, that’s half the fun. Half the boys I dated in college were just for the stories. *drink for Blanche’s beaus*

Rose indicates she did have sex and everyone is thrilled. They’re all going through a dry spell, obviously. That’s why Rose’s sex life is the focal point of their lives right now.

We’ll never see Arnie again, but the actor will return triumphantly as Miles Webber.

Drinks Counter:
Blanche's Beaus: 4
Out on the Lanai: 2
Funeral: 1

Tune in next week for Transplant